doubt

a few weeks ago, I listed to Ocean's Vuong's conversation with Sam Fragoso. as a practicing Buddhist, one of Vuong's last statements has rolled around my head since: "I want to learn how to practice care in a meaningful way."

at Sunday practice yesterday, one of the Blue Heron Zen Dharma teachers provided a definition of doubt in a Buddhist context—doubt that "out there" is going to provide the answer, when the answer is "right here, in us." I felt this in my body as he aimed his hand toward his own heart.

last night I was feeling adrift. I've burned through all the Acorn TV I can stand. none of my go-to podcasts were doing it for me. I was looking for some wisdom I couldn't zero in on—skimming audio of Ajahn Sucitto, Bessel Van Der Kolk, Sharon Salzberg, Joseph Goldstein—simultaneously working on an art project (a layered exercise in letting go of a job I worked at for 3 years until mid-May).

this morning when writing I realized that I was enacting exactly the Dharma teacher had been talking about yesterday. I was looking for the answer "out there."

as a human, and as a repetitive learner, I have to see this kind of thing—make this connection—over and over. this will encourage me to simply stop, sit, and turn the gaze inward. the answer is right here.